Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
