I cut my penus on the lid.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
