I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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