No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
