i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
