She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
