Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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