I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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