guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
