guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
