I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
