Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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