if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
