look no pants
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
