my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
