i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
