Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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