omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
