I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
