just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
