ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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