so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
