if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
