I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
