Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
