Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
