We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
