she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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