I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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