Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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