I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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