So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
