He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
