Don't make out with my wife yet
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
