just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Two words: nipple clamps
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