dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
