I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
the liver wants what the liver wants
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
