were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
