mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
