The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
