Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What drink are we having for lunch?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
