please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
