I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
