I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
