My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
