I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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