I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
