Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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