It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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