I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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