girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I forget how to act sober
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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